mythoughtspill.com

Good morning, internet. I am in a slightly better spirit this morning, or it could just be the pot of coffee I’ve just inhaled, who knows? It is also a very contemplative morning for me.

I woke up with a sense of sadness in the pit of my stomach. It’s been there for a while now, it’s just hitting a little harder this morning. It is the silent grief of realizing that the possibility of ending up alone in life is more imminent as the days go by. This isn’t something that is talked about enough. Being genuinely happy and celebrating your family and close friends while secretly grieving what you thought you’d have by now or where you thought you’d be in life. Celebrating someone’s milestones and happy for them while feeling the pain of your own timeline not matching up. It is watching people step into their life phases and realizing that you’re still waiting for yours. It is a grief no one prepares you for. You’re going through a loss of what should’ve been by now. While your age-mates were going through college, you were waiting for your chance. While they were building their careers, you were still waiting for yours to start. While their kids are starting school, you’re now starting college. Your milestones are stuck on a timetable that is 10 or 15 years late and still going slow. The grief of waiting is brutal and only yours to bear. The unspoken uncertainty and the dying hope in the pit of your stomach while you smile at the world is a tragedy no one acknowledges. There is also a question that hangs on top of your head; Do you keep hoping and looking forward to finally getting there, or do you call it what it is and settle in your fate?